self-reflection 10/19

My biggest problem?

Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt at the expense of my self-respect.

I’m by no means a saint– I have done some shitty things to good people, and for that I am ultimately sorry. Maybe what goes around comes around?

There’s fewer things that feel worse than betrayal. The truth is essentially this:

You can do everything and more for someone, but still; their heart may not be the same as yours. You can’t expect it to be.

I should know better.

I make this mistake often. I think that I can fix someone, I think I have the ability to change lives and do good and be someone’s reason to smile– I do this so often that I forget to take care of myself in the process. I forget that it’s not my responsibility to be anyone’s fixer. People are not projects.

I don’t know if it’s my tragic past that leads me to fall for the broken ones, or maybe it’s a mix of my big heart and zeal to fix the world– either way, it never works in my favor.

I’ve spent the last couple years of my life trying to fix myself and the process is constantly put on the back burner. It’s a cycle that only I can break. I don’t know how.

There’s not much I do know, really. I know that I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to be in a good relationship. I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for.

I don’t deserve manipulation. I don’t deserve emotional strain. I don’t deserve to feel like I am not enough.

Maybe this will be the time I learn my lesson.

 

 

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An Apology Letter to Her

I think in the midst of life’s changes I lost myself. I lost what I stood for. I lost sight of my goals, my dreams. The bigger picture once painted beautiful shades of blues and reds had crumbled along with my mental health.

I won’t pretend like I’m in a good state of mind— it would defeat the purpose of everything I stand for. Still, even on the darkest days, my message remains the same: we need you.

I wish I could take my own advice. Isn’t that funny? We have sound advice for everyone but ourselves. Humans are funny and incredibly sad creatures.

Firstly— I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I repeatedly fail you and treat you like shit. You don’t deserve that…no one does. This won’t be the last time I apologize. It’s a repeat offense, a cycle that never ceases. I long to be in love with you but most days I can’t bare to look at you. I don’t want to feel that way. You’ve come so far and there’s something to be said for that. Deep inside, buried underneath the rubble of our past, I am proud of you beyond words of expression. You need to hear that.

Secondly— please understand that success is not a race, nor a set destination. Little things can be considered successes too. There’s triumph waking up in the morning when the night before you wanted to die. There’s power in conquering an essay when you didn’t know if you’d pass or fail. There’s beauty in terrible things. Don’t let it go unnoticed. You will fail, (a lot, probably) but that is not a representation of who you are. Perfection is not the goal. There is more to life than making good money or getting a 4.0.

Existing is easy but living is hard. My mind is constantly gnawing at the “could have’s” or the “what if’s.” Pay no mind to those questions. They are not beneficial. They will destroy you.

Your existence is meaningful to people, even if some days you don’t understand why. There’s a purpose for everyone, so what makes you any different?

Try to understand that existence is not black and white. Shades of color fill in the void, even on the black days. Happiness is on its way— but don’t chase it. It is not a destination. Its just an emotion. Let it engulf you when opportunity arises, but understand that some days you won’t find it anywhere. That’s okay.

Everyone grows at different rates. Life is not a race, nor a competition. Don’t let society and social media tell you any different. Everyone is fighting a good fight. Everyone has demons that dim their light. We are all just trying to get by on what we have– including you.

Your existence is a beautiful, fiery mess. Let it be.

Poetry Collection 9/2/18

Below you will find a few poems written over the past few weeks that I have decided to show you all.

Please Drive Home Safe

please drive home safe

i’ll miss the way your fingers latched with mine,

it took me to a faraway place

i did not recognize.

please drive home safe

the way you look into me, through me,

it makes me feel alive.

the spark i thought i lost in life,

was right there in your eyes.

please drive home safe

the best things in life come unexpectedly,

or so that’s what they say.

regardless,

the truth comes out some day.

please drive home safe

i don’t know what i’d do without you, baby,

please understand

i need you to drive home safe tonight

so next time i can hold your hand

i know life seems tough, doubtful and shallow

i’m here to make things better for you

and a little bit for me, too

i’m in love with you, a feeling i forgot i knew

thank you for showing me a love so kind

it could make the angels rage with jealousy

a feeling so pure, it can only exist for us two

please honey drive home safe tonight

i need you here to love you tonight

tomorrow

and

longer

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I drank four cups of coffee yesterday, three the day before

I thought it might help me keep busy, caffeine running through my veins like my system depends on it

I thought it would help

But my mind began racing, the piercing thoughts pinching me like little insects gnawing on me

I want to tell you what it means to have you by my side, but you already know

I want to tell you how easy it is to get lost in the thought of you, but I’ve said that before

Maybe I’ll mention the ease of your lips on mine and how it fills my being with the same warmth that coffee brings me, except

I would give up the caffeine addiction to become addicted to you

I don’t think you really understand, you don’t truly grasp what it means to me

when you look through me, into me

and you can relate because you’ve been there.

you don’t judge, nor mock

and if I could tell you a million times to make you understand

I would.

Fuck anybody that doesn’t understand what it means to feel raw,

like bones sawing against each other, like our skin is falling off and we can’t stop the sheer pain it brings,

but instead embrace it.

If I could tell you, sweetheart, just what it means to have you here, then maybe we’d both be better off,

but I can’t put into words what I feel when you’re next to me,

and how much I crave your existence next to mine,

I can’t say any of those things.

But I sure can fucking try.

a man

i once met a man

he said he’d understand

the pain and heartbreak and sorrow

i once met a man

he said he once had a plan

to change the world tomorrow

i once met a man

he said he’d felt hollow

in a society full of false hope and

big problems

i felt sorry for that man, a good guy

dealt the wrong hand

“I wish I could take all your pain away,” and he said “ma’am i would do the same”

for everyone in this world strives for happiness

but most of us leave with heartbreak

i’m sorry honey for the cards you were dealt

you know that i would and i would if i could if i could

take all of the heartbreak and insufferable pain, away and away forever

but that’s not life and that’s now how it works

i once met a man

he said he’d understand

the pain and the heartbreak and sorrow

he didn’t understand, though, no not at all

how his existence made the world a bit brighter

in the darkest of hours

his demeanor did not fool, not me at all

he doesn’t understand

his worth

to me

and to all

First Day of University–What I Learned

library-1400313_1920.jpg18-year-old me vowed to herself that she would never go to college with a laundry list of half-assed reasons and little to no idea what to do with her life.

Like most teenagers with a plan, (or lack thereof) I was wrong.

I ended up enrolling in a community college near my house when I was nineteen and graduating with my associates degree in journalism and media writing when I was twenty-one. Next step? Bachelors.

It is to be expected that a university is vastly different than a community college, but man, what a slap in the face today was.

Here’s what I learned on my first day of university:

  • Invest in the world’s comfiest shoes, because a lot of walking is to be done. I expect to lose 25 pounds by the end of the semester. Updates to follow.
  • Try to be nice to the bitchy girls. It’s rather difficult considering their bitter attitudes and overall negative energy, but they are people too. Maybe they are having a terrible day–maybe not. None of my business either way. Karma knows what to do, so let her.
  • The freshmen are nine times out of ten terribly annoying, but they are excited. Let them be excited. The world is too jaded. Let them have their dumb fun while it lasts.
  • Your roommates are supposed to be your friends. Bake cookies with them at bedtime even when you’re in a bad mood. They’re your first friends in a whole new world, don’t shut them out.
  • Allow yourself ample amount of time to get lunch anywhere on campus because lines for a rice bowl are absurd and no one has that kind of time to be wasting.
  • DO. NOT. DRIVE. ANYWHERE. UNLESS. YOU. ARE. READY. TO. FIGHT. SOMEONE. FOR. PARKING. NEAR. YOUR. APARTMENT. I really wanted to throw hands at the Honda Civic for taking my parking space, but life goes on…I GUESS.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one in undergrad knows what the hell they’re doing, even if they think they do. Just be nice to one another.

I suppose most of this is common sense, but what a day it was…

Be good, do good, smile, and remember that no one in life gets out alive.

We need you.

🙂

It’s You, Not Me

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I’ve spent so many nights in bed with my eyes wide open and my mind racing a mile a minute. The anxiety stemming from every aspect of my life was always enough to send me in panic mode. The main concern?

Why aren’t I good enough?

For my friends, my family, my job, any potential lovers. It seemed like regardless of how hard I tried or how much effort I put forth, it would never be enough. I would never be smart enough. I would never offer enough. There would always be someone much better than I out there, waiting to scoop up every opportunity that should have been mine.

Which is true.

There will always be someone better than me– and you.

Ready for a pill thats hard to swallow?

Just because I care an awful lot about someone, doesn’t mean they’re required to reciprocate that same energy towards me. The same goes for employers, friends, anyone really. It’s heartbreaking. The truth can be a rotten bitch.

When you’re let down by those around you it’s easy to jump into a pity party for one– what’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?

This type of thinking will destroy you. It destroys me every single time. If you think about it, its a bit egotistical to think that all of life’s inconveniences are our fault. Most people are naturally selfish. Most employers don’t have some weird vendetta against you. People are just people and we can’t expect any more than that. At the end of the day we all have our own battles. Fight them alone every once in awhile. It makes you stronger.

When the timing is right, something sweet will come along. I mean that for every single one of us. A great friend, a job you love, a husband or wife. Whatever you want is possible. The universe works in strange ways, who the hell are we to question it?

So yes, there will always be someone better than you and I; which sounds terribly depressing, but it doesn’t have to be. Live every day understanding, not questioning, your worth and eventually the world will give you what you so-understandably deserve. I promise.

Make sure you stay around to see it.

We need you.

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