Lessons From a Dead Man

Someone highly important to me recently recommended I read “The Last Lecture,” by Randy Pausch. I never even heard of it, nor did I bother to see what it was about before purchasing it.

I won’t reiterate what can easily be Googled. Instead, I want to emphasize the importance of the message:

Positively overcoming obstacles and making the most out of any situation– even the tragic ones.

Randy Pausch knew he was going to die. He was well aware that he could spend the last of his days sulking in his unfortunate demise and feeling sorry for himself. That’s exactly what he didn’t do. Due to the nature of this book, I don’t want to use the word “positive” to describe it, but that’s exactly what I got from it– an overwhelming sense of positivity.

When you find yourself in turmoil, it’s easy to become engulfed in negativity. It’s easy to ask dead-end questions.

“Why did this happen to me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

For a long time, I dwelled in my sorrow. I made excuses for why things weren’t getting better. I became complacent with my self-destruction because it was comfortable for me. The less I had to think about the root of my problems, the easier it was to ignore them.

I don’t know if I have a definitive answer as to how I got myself out of the mess I made for myself. I wouldn’t expect it to help you either– we are all vastly different individuals, set on different paths with varying degrees of hardships. My answer may not be your answer.

I will say that I woke up one day incredibly tired of the way my life was panning out– after having been in the hospital for complications with my anti-depressants, experiencing sleep paralysis nightly, completely emotionless– I knew I had to make a change.


In the ever-evolving world of social media, it’s hard to make positive changes in our lives when we are constantly reminded of what we don’t have. I pretended like social media was helping me in a positive manner, but really, it was destroying my self-esteem. It’s easy to lose yourself in the mess of the world wide web. It’s easy to forget what you do have when you’re surrounded by images of things you don’t.

Differentiate what is real and what is not– only then will you find peace.

I think a majority of my unhappiness stemmed from Facebook and Instagram because I was not emotionally secure. I was outwardly happy, but inside I was a mess. I was not confident. I was not proud. I was letting my past and the struggles I had faced dictate my every move. The image I had yearned for was not realistic. It was not me.

So I cut back, like a smoker trying to reduce the amount of packs she smokes per day. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true– social media is addictive. I spent so much time trying to keep up with everyone elses’ lives because I knew it distracted me from my own.

Maybe not completely, maybe not a lot, but I did cut back.

And just like that, I was happier.


When I made the decision to move away for college, I had been broken up with my on-again-off-again boyfriend for a few months. I knew I couldn’t have made that decision while dating him. Moving away was something I needed to do so I could grow as a human being, so when we got back together again– and became engaged– I knew it wasn’t going to work and I knew it wasn’t for the right reasons for either of us. I loved him, but I loved myself too, and I knew this was something I needed to do alone.

So I did.

I moved.

And along the way, I found myself and I found the things I knew I needed– self-love, ambition, and a drive for happiness and well-being. I slipped up along the way, but that’s fine– good, actually. Everything that has happened can be chalked up as a learning experience, a lesson, and maybe even a laugh.


Randy Pausch made a valuable point:

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”

Truth be told, life can throw us some pretty shitty, inconveniencing, nasty shit. It’s what we do with it that means the most.

One year ago I was stuck, but I was fortunate enough to know it didn’t have to remain that way. I didn’t have to stay in my situation if it made me unhappy. I was free to live life how I wanted to, despite what anyone else thought of it.

You know the cool thing about that?

You can too.

You are not shackled to your past, or your problems, or your insecurities. You have just as much right to live fully and freely as everyone else. What others think of your passions or dreams is none of your business. After all, this is your life. Do what makes you happy.

If a dying man can do that, we all can.

Be good, do good, and remember that everything you want out of life is attainable; and if nothing else– know that I am rooting for you.

We need you.

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Twenty-Two

Yesterday was my twenty-second birthday. If I said it was bittersweet, well…that would be an understatement.

We don’t realize how quickly time passes until we sit for a moment and really reflect.

In 2018, I’ve ended an engagement. I’ve watched a friend get buried. I’ve gotten my heart broken. I’ve nearly died. I’ve been manipulated and hurt.

I’ve also graduated college. I’ve moved away from my hometown. I’ve started therapy. I’ve made new friends, lost weight, earned a ton of self-respect and self-love. I’ve met some undeniably beautiful, incredible people.

It’s hard not to focus on the negative. When a new year approaches, it’s so easy to say, “I can’t wait for this year to be over!”

I had a conversation with my therapist today about living in the moment and how hard I find that to be.

“Do you ever sit back and find the ‘pause’ in life? Do you breathe?”

No, I don’t fucking breathe because my mind goes a mile a minute and I’m ever-so-gracefully trying to play catch-up. That mindset has singlehandedly robbed me of so many good, pure opportunities. It has taken away so much happiness. It has ruined a lot of great things.

The good news is this:

Thinking destructively is reversible. I am not destined for failure because of it. I am not doomed. Because of my ability to recognize a negative habit, I am that much closer to flipping it into something better and healthier.

In short, I’d say this year was a success; much like all the other years under my belt. I’m alive. I was fortunate enough to feel emotion and express it. I’ve made people happy, and people have done the same for me. It’s bittersweet in the sense that I’ve gone through a lot of heartache, but secretly, that’s the beauty of it. Everything, even bad things, happen for a reason. I am empathetic, experienced, and above all else– I am happy.

I am ending this year confidently with a few amazing people and a better frame of mind.

I am ready.

 

 

 

 

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