today I dropped out of college // final blog post | 2019

Today I dropped out of college.

It was over as soon as it started, and that rush of defeat stings more than I thought it would.

I didn’t want to drop out. I didn’t want to put my academics on hold. This was never supposed to be in the cards for me. I was destined for internships and the dean’s list and scholarships.

Except I wasn’t.

Financially, it was not feasible. Private loan companies wouldn’t approve me on my own and the government harshly decided I made too much last year to qualify for aid. I’d have owed thousands by mid August, a goal so unattainable its almost laughable.

Today I dropped out of college.

I love writing. I love media. I love scrolling and reading and liking. I love how vast social media can be and how helpful it has been in so many circumstances. But I know deep, deep down that maybe this path wasn’t meant for me; at least not yet. I have a lot of growing to do. I have a lot I need to figure out. I can’t pursue something 100% if mind and my wallet aren’t ready. One day they will be. Maybe today is not the day, but who’s to say tomorrow won’t be?

Today I dropped out of college.

I hate how dirty that feels to type out, as if my worth is based off of a thirty-thousand dollar piece of paper. I hate how the art of comparison has made it difficult to focus on myself while my peers move forward in life post-grad. I hate that I can’t be part of the social norm. Most of all, I hate that I’m allowing myself to think that way. I preach and preach and preach about everyone growing at their own pace, but fail to accept the same advice for myself.

So what’s the plan?

I find a better job. I work towards saving money and paying off accumulating debt. I accept that everything happens for a reason, and it’s important to note good things take time. But mostly, I learn to accept dropping out of college does not make me dumb, or a failure, or anything else. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t need to be permanent.

This will likely be my last blog post for awhile. Writing has been a passion of mine since my father passed, but I have some growing to do before I continue to influence the internet with the stories I tell and the words I piece and sew together. I love writing and I always will. And just like college, I’ll come back to it one day.

Thanks for reading and being a part of me and my passion. The support I’ve received for this blog has brought me so much happiness over the past few years.

Until next time,

Leah

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