Twenty-Two

Yesterday was my twenty-second birthday. If I said it was bittersweet, well…that would be an understatement.

We don’t realize how quickly time passes until we sit for a moment and really reflect.

In 2018, I’ve ended an engagement. I’ve watched a friend get buried. I’ve gotten my heart broken. I’ve nearly died. I’ve been manipulated and hurt.

I’ve also graduated college. I’ve moved away from my hometown. I’ve started therapy. I’ve made new friends, lost weight, earned a ton of self-respect and self-love. I’ve met some undeniably beautiful, incredible people.

It’s hard not to focus on the negative. When a new year approaches, it’s so easy to say, “I can’t wait for this year to be over!”

I had a conversation with my therapist today about living in the moment and how hard I find that to be.

“Do you ever sit back and find the ‘pause’ in life? Do you breathe?”

No, I don’t fucking breathe because my mind goes a mile a minute and I’m ever-so-gracefully trying to play catch-up. That mindset has singlehandedly robbed me of so many good, pure opportunities. It has taken away so much happiness. It has ruined a lot of great things.

The good news is this:

Thinking destructively is reversible. I am not destined for failure because of it. I am not doomed. Because of my ability to recognize a negative habit, I am that much closer to flipping it into something better and healthier.

In short, I’d say this year was a success; much like all the other years under my belt. I’m alive. I was fortunate enough to feel emotion and express it. I’ve made people happy, and people have done the same for me. It’s bittersweet in the sense that I’ve gone through a lot of heartache, but secretly, that’s the beauty of it. Everything, even bad things, happen for a reason. I am empathetic, experienced, and above all else– I am happy.

I am ending this year confidently with a few amazing people and a better frame of mind.

I am ready.

 

 

 

 

The Art of Accomplishing Nothing

I visited my therapist this past Friday, like I do every week. We were discussing accomplishments and how I am notorious for downplaying even the big and exciting things that happen to me.

“I guess something cool happened to me. It’s not huge, but…”

“You’re doing it again.”

Dammit. She’s a great therapist and she’s even better when she calls me out on my bullshit.

Her point did get me thinking– Why do I downplay myself? Why do I find it so difficult to celebrate the small stuff? I have this irrational way of thinking everything I do or say needs to be momentous; and if it’s not, I probably shouldn’t go about it. I practice this with articles, in conversations, with schoolwork. It’s an exhausting way to go about life.

“Not every accomplishment needs to be big. Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment.”

She’s absolutely right. Sometime’s it’s really fucking hard to get out of bed, or take a shower, or finding time to eat a decent meal. These tasks seem menial, but some days they’re the hardest ones to start or finish.

I had a bad day yesterday, but I still finished my day. I still ate. I still smiled. I still took a shower, found time to eat, checked in with my friends. There was a lot I could have done and didn’t do– but that’s okay. Life goes on and it won’t stop for you or I.

Today started off equally as terrible, but I still got up. I went to class. I did what I needed to do. It’s so easy to get caught up in the mundane style of our day-to-day, so I try to break things up. I order a different coffee in the morning. I take a different route to class. I listen to a new song. It seems silly, and maybe it is, but things like these do count as accomplishments some days. There’s something to be said for the effort put forth. There’s something to be said for trying.

I’m not going to pretend like this revelation will change my way of thinking all-day, every-day. It won’t. I’m still going to feel very, very unaccomplished some days. I’m still going to have doubt and worry. I’m still going to feel like I’m not doing enough.

But the good news?

I’m ok today.

That’s all I can ask for.

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