My biggest problem?
Giving everyone the benefit of the doubt at the expense of my self-respect.
I’m by no means a saint– I have done some shitty things to good people, and for that I am ultimately sorry. Maybe what goes around comes around?
There’s fewer things that feel worse than betrayal. The truth is essentially this:
You can do everything and more for someone, but still; their heart may not be the same as yours. You can’t expect it to be.
I should know better.
I make this mistake often. I think that I can fix someone, I think I have the ability to change lives and do good and be someone’s reason to smile– I do this so often that I forget to take care of myself in the process. I forget that it’s not my responsibility to be anyone’s fixer. People are not projects.
I don’t know if it’s my tragic past that leads me to fall for the broken ones, or maybe it’s a mix of my big heart and zeal to fix the world– either way, it never works in my favor.
I’ve spent the last couple years of my life trying to fix myself and the process is constantly put on the back burner. It’s a cycle that only I can break. I don’t know how.
There’s not much I do know, really. I know that I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to be in a good relationship. I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for.
I don’t deserve manipulation. I don’t deserve emotional strain. I don’t deserve to feel like I am not enough.
Maybe this will be the time I learn my lesson.