First Day of University–What I Learned

library-1400313_1920.jpg18-year-old me vowed to herself that she would never go to college with a laundry list of half-assed reasons and little to no idea what to do with her life.

Like most teenagers with a plan, (or lack thereof) I was wrong.

I ended up enrolling in a community college near my house when I was nineteen and graduating with my associates degree in journalism and media writing when I was twenty-one. Next step? Bachelors.

It is to be expected that a university is vastly different than a community college, but man, what a slap in the face today was.

Here’s what I learned on my first day of university:

  • Invest in the world’s comfiest shoes, because a lot of walking is to be done. I expect to lose 25 pounds by the end of the semester. Updates to follow.
  • Try to be nice to the bitchy girls. It’s rather difficult considering their bitter attitudes and overall negative energy, but they are people too. Maybe they are having a terrible day–maybe not. None of my business either way. Karma knows what to do, so let her.
  • The freshmen are nine times out of ten terribly annoying, but they are excited. Let them be excited. The world is too jaded. Let them have their dumb fun while it lasts.
  • Your roommates are supposed to be your friends. Bake cookies with them at bedtime even when you’re in a bad mood. They’re your first friends in a whole new world, don’t shut them out.
  • Allow yourself ample amount of time to get lunch anywhere on campus because lines for a rice bowl are absurd and no one has that kind of time to be wasting.
  • DO. NOT. DRIVE. ANYWHERE. UNLESS. YOU. ARE. READY. TO. FIGHT. SOMEONE. FOR. PARKING. NEAR. YOUR. APARTMENT. I really wanted to throw hands at the Honda Civic for taking my parking space, but life goes on…I GUESS.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one in undergrad knows what the hell they’re doing, even if they think they do. Just be nice to one another.

I suppose most of this is common sense, but what a day it was…

Be good, do good, smile, and remember that no one in life gets out alive.

We need you.

🙂

How my Anti-Depressants Almost Killed Me— and What I Did About It

I remember being in the middle of a Target store when I started to fade out. Something deep within me knew I wasn’t right. My vision was becoming blurry, my balance off, everything around me becoming dark. I made it to the pharmacy just in time to mutter “Please call me an ambulance,” before I started to hyperventilate.

On my way to the hospital I kept begging the EMT to tell me I was going to be ok. He remained silent.

My resting heart rate was a little over 180.

Was I going to die?

After I arrived at the hospital, staff took three EKG’s, inserted an IV of Ativan, and told me to rest. It took a little over an hour for my heart rate to lower.

The problem?

An adverse reaction to two medications I was taking.

I’d been on a cocktail of pills since I was about fourteen. Prozac, Xanax, Trazodone, Viibryd, Ambien… and that’s only a select few. I’ve had depression from an early age, that much I know. But looking back; I wonder, was it necessary for a kid that barely hit the stages of puberty to be taking prescription drugs like candy?

I knew the moment I landed myself in the ambulance that something had to give. I was fighting the good fight, as so many of us do, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My body physically and mentally could not bare any more experiments. I had gained weight, my anxiety had heightened, I was suffering from extreme sleep paralysis and hallucinations. I wasn’t sleeping. I had no idea who I was or what I stood for anymore. If this was what my life was destined for, I wanted no part of it.

So I quit cold turkey.

I threw seven years of work down the drain. I knew if I didn’t stop I would end up killing myself or the medications would end up killing me. If I was going to die, I wanted control over it. I wanted a life, my life, back.

So I ran after it as fast as I could before it was too late.

Every breathing second after ceasing my regular use of medication was a walk through Satan’s garden. Withdrawal is a bitch and it was no kinder towards me. The shakes, cold sweats, confusion, sleepless nights and everything in between. I almost wanted to go back on everything I said I wouldn’t do– but I couldn’t and I didn’t. I had to pull through.

And I did.

It’s been three full months without any prescription medication in my body. It seems so minuscule, but it is a victory 14-year-old me would be mesmerized at. I never thought I would be able to say I’m free of all anti-depressants and sedatives.

The story for each prescription is the same– I take it for a few weeks and feel great. I swear I am cured and I am so happy to be alive and I can take the world by storm.

Then the crash comes and the cycle continues. Over and over and over.

But not anymore.

The only “drug” I take regularly now is CBD oil by mouth once daily and melatonin at night to help me sleep soundly.

It’s been three months since I’ve released myself from the pharmaceutical prison that held me as their bitch for so long.

I’m doing fine.

I’d like to stick around to see just how much better it gets.

The world needs me.

DISCLAIMER: I do not condone nor endorse quitting medication abruptly without a doctor’s approval. This story is purely to share how far I’ve come– every one of us deals with things differently. Everyone’s body is unique and should be treated as such. Take care of yourself. ❤️

It’s You, Not Me

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I’ve spent so many nights in bed with my eyes wide open and my mind racing a mile a minute. The anxiety stemming from every aspect of my life was always enough to send me in panic mode. The main concern?

Why aren’t I good enough?

For my friends, my family, my job, any potential lovers. It seemed like regardless of how hard I tried or how much effort I put forth, it would never be enough. I would never be smart enough. I would never offer enough. There would always be someone much better than I out there, waiting to scoop up every opportunity that should have been mine.

Which is true.

There will always be someone better than me– and you.

Ready for a pill thats hard to swallow?

Just because I care an awful lot about someone, doesn’t mean they’re required to reciprocate that same energy towards me. The same goes for employers, friends, anyone really. It’s heartbreaking. The truth can be a rotten bitch.

When you’re let down by those around you it’s easy to jump into a pity party for one– what’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?

This type of thinking will destroy you. It destroys me every single time. If you think about it, its a bit egotistical to think that all of life’s inconveniences are our fault. Most people are naturally selfish. Most employers don’t have some weird vendetta against you. People are just people and we can’t expect any more than that. At the end of the day we all have our own battles. Fight them alone every once in awhile. It makes you stronger.

When the timing is right, something sweet will come along. I mean that for every single one of us. A great friend, a job you love, a husband or wife. Whatever you want is possible. The universe works in strange ways, who the hell are we to question it?

So yes, there will always be someone better than you and I; which sounds terribly depressing, but it doesn’t have to be. Live every day understanding, not questioning, your worth and eventually the world will give you what you so-understandably deserve. I promise.

Make sure you stay around to see it.

We need you.

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