Overcoming the Losses in Life

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The ninth anniversary of my father’s suicide is next Monday.

Its strange to me. Not because of how quickly time has gone by, but how I have healed from the loss. I won’t say I am complete– I never will be. But I am at peace with the situation, mostly.

I’ve had so many great losses in my short lifetime, whether it be deaths or broken friendships or relationships. In the heat of the moment, the emotions you feel always seem everlasting. Its hard to look hardship in the eyes and say “This is only temporary. This too shall pass.”

As humans I expect none of us to be perfect with how we manage our emotions towards any unideal situation. The lives we live are not black and white, and the tragedies we suffer through are not black and white either. Shades of gray and black and whites fill up our world, making whatever we’re going through that much more complex.

The ugly truth is, we all handle loss in our own way. There is no right or wrong. There’s no secret manual to guide us through all of life’s major and minor inconveniences. We can debate for as long as we live why things have to be the way they are, or we can be sensible and say to ourselves, “Okay, this is what it is for whatever reason. How do I become better from here?”

I’d like to say that managing any loss, big or small, is easy. But its so far from easy. Its heart-wrenching, its exhaustion, its I-haven’t-eaten-or-slept-in-weeks. Its a multitude of very high-highs and very low-lows.

And the only control we have over what happens is what we choose to do with our attitudes and reflections towards the situation.

That’s the hardest part.

The only ease we have is knowing that despite how lonely we feel during a time of loss, there’s a billion people out there that feel very similar to us. Everybody has or will lose somebody. Sometimes we lose a lot of people. Sometimes we lose people who aren’t even dead.

But we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. We have no time to waste.

We could be next.

 

 

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Reality Prevails–A New Chapter

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The bravest thing I’ve ever done was step out of my comfort zone.

How cliche is that? I know, its gag worthy. I’m actually mad I typed it out and used it in an article.

But reality prevails.

As I creep closer to my move-in date and revel in the truth that my life is about to change, the more anxious and emotional I get.

As much as I hate this area, its home. NEPA is the center of every experience I’ve ever had, from tragedies to triumphs. This is where my dad rests in peace, where friends were made and buried, where memories are burned in floorboards of outdated homes and in cars with too many miles. This is where I experienced my first heartbreak and last conversations. NEPA is where I graduated, became self-sufficient, grew strong. This is the root of who I am and how far I’ve come.

I remember being sixteen and angsty; promising myself that I would move far the hell away from here, start a new life with new people and a fresh slate. I never thought it would happen. In fact, seventeen-year-old me would be shocked to learn that I haven’t killed myself, a feat that is exceptional on its own. I never thought I would make it this far, and yet I am here.

I waited so long to say that I’m officially getting out of here, and now I am petrified. I’m sad. I’m doubtful. I have a lot to offer the world; that I am sure of. But the lingering doubt that encapsulates me is the worst of it all. Did I make the right choice? But what if?

I don’t know if I made the right decision. I don’t know if what I’m doing is out of my reach or too far-fetched. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a writer, or be anything at all, really.

All I know is that my lease is signed, and that bitch was expensive; so there is no turning back.

The future is mine.

 

 

Do Good and Be Good– A World Full of Heartbreak

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Recently, the hardest battle has been realizing the people that are supposed to be there for you unconditionally, are not always the people that you can trust; nor are they the people with your best interest in mind.

As we grow older and we become more wise, we start to face reality and realize not everyone has the same heart we do. Expectations are almost always let down. The people we love the most, be it family or friends, can break our hearts way more than we knew was possible. Family won’t always have our backs. Friends have their own lives. At the end of the day, while you’re lying in bed at night and the world is quiet and no ones around, you face it– you are in this alone.

And I don’t mean that to sound negative. It’s not a negative realization. In fact, its sort of reassuring– we know ourselves the best. We are our own best friend. There’s nothing wrong with spending time solo. But being alone is what we are all so deathly afraid of.

As much as we love our moms and dads, our best friends, our sisters and brothers– we can’t expect too much. The moment we begin to feel let down is the moment we begin to compare.

Why don’t I have what she has?

Why can’t I have that?

We are meant to live our own lives, separately, and there’s nothing we can do to alter fate. Our hearts will be broken. Our family will let us down. Friends come and go. It’s fucking hard. There’s few things in this world harder than heartbreak from people you thought you knew or thought you trusted. People you thought the world of can still hurt you. Perfection is not real.

We are only human. The only action we can take to ease the difficulty of growing up is be the person we want others to be towards us.

Be kind, genuinely kind. Open the door for the person behind you. Pay for someone’s coffee. Give someone a coupon you’re not using. Who cares what it may be? It doesn’t matter– what matters is that you tried. You are actively trying to be the good you wish you would have experienced.

I’m sorry that sometimes life seems unbearable. I’m sorry that some things make no sense. I’m sorry that the hand you were dealt seems so shitty in comparison to everyone else’s, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Be the person, parent, or friend you wish you had. The attitude you have towards the misfortunes of life is entirely up to you. Do good and be good.

We need you.

 

 

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