I don’t know what has happened to me recently in regards to motivation or ambition, but it seems I have lost myself yet again. I do this a lot. The good thing about that? I always find myself in a better place after the fact.
I could blame how I feel on depression. The agony it brings me is exhausting in every sense of the word.
I could blame how I’ve been on my past. I do this a lot. I shouldn’t.
Or I could be real and blame it on a multitude of things–myself included.
I’ve had a rollercoaster few months. I am dealing with certain emotions every day that I just can’t seem to cope with. I am falling off of a track that took me so very long to build. I am doing so many things, but none of them seem to be the right things.
Without a doubt, one of the main reasons I am so lackluster is due to social media and my addiction to it. I’ve spoken on this topic before, but the impact of its presence never seems to go away. Its the same routine daily–
- wake up
- spend a half hour on social media
- be somewhat productive
- waste time on social media
- so on
- and so on
- and so on
Its hard to get basic tasks done when the opportunity to see what’s happening or who is doing what is in my fingertips at all times. It’s easy to fall in the trap of finding out who’s pregnant now or this person went to jail or this person I haven’t seen in five years is doing this with their life. Don’t get me wrong, social media can be a great way to catch up with friends and become inspired and share great ideas. On the other hand, its an excellent way to become depressed because your life does not compare to your kinda-sorta-maybe friend who just traveled to Europe and is now living their best life while you, a sorry son of a bitch, is working a full-time job you hate and just self-loathed in your car for the fifth time this week crying into a Taco Bell burrito.
Its hard. This generation is hard. Living is hard. Coping with depression is hard. We are all doing our best to be our best and sometimes we lose track and compare ourselves to what is not meant for us at the moment. Its so easy to lose track of who we are when we are busy wasting time basking in the negativity on the internet. There’s so much sadness out there; most recently the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. It’s hard to be happy with your life when every time you open Facebook there’s a new story of a black person being senselessly killed or a child being raped. Its constant and it never ends. I can’t think of anything more draining than a quick scroll through Facebook.
As a society we are conditioned to be in a hurry and love all things convenient. We let this get to our heads and forget that it won’t kill us that we have to wait 10 minutes for our food and it won’t hurt us to smile at the busy retail worker that’s by himself. We forget that things like this are so insignificant in the grand scheme of life.
We have a hard time being happy because of the world around us and what media presents to us. We want change but we don’t know where to begin. We want equality but we don’t know where to start. We work hard, but we don’t know if what we’re doing is worth our time. It is easy to lose sight of things when the attitudes of those around us are dull and miserable– and if you can’t agree with me, you might be the one with the dull and miserable attitude. It’s okay though, we’re all guilty of that.
I don’t know what I can do to change my outlook, but I will start with how my blog looks. I will start with how I treat others, especially those that are considerably rude or mean to me. I will start with what I write about and how I convey my messages. Above all, I will start with how I treat myself.
Within the last few months I have began seeing a psychologist to help me with how I handle my thoughts. Within the last month I have tried to change my eating habits and began practicing yoga. I try to wake up earlier. I spend more time getting ready. I am more careful with what I spend my money on. But like everything else, I am not cured. I have terrible days. I oversleep. I say things I shouldn’t. I judge others when I am the last person that should be judging.
But that’s life. I will do my best to be my best. Nothing is perfect–neither is life. We are always in search for our happiness.
I hope we find ours.