An Open Apology to Myself

First and foremost, I’m sorry for all the intentional pain I have physically caused you. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights. I know its hard on you.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve talked poorly of you. I know you are doing your best. Sometimes its hard to see through the immense pain. I am sorry for all the times I’ve put my two cents in on your weight, the way your stomach looks in any pair of pants, and how much I’ve taunted your face. I’m sorry I wasn’t nicer. I try to be uplifting towards strangers, its a shame I can’t be that way towards you.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve wished death upon you; even now. I don’t really want you to die. I want you to feel something other than uncertainty, something other than emptiness. I often associate those with death. They are not synonymous. I really want you to live actually; as hard as it seems lately. Its hard to find things to live for. Its hard to feel cared for and loved. I know you are working on it. I should cut you more slack.

I’m even sorry for the things I cannot control, the unexpected parts of life we do not see coming. I’m sorry about your dad. He didn’t kill himself because of you, you know. I’m sorry that because of his death, your childhood was less than memorable. I’m sorry about your mental health and the passing of your friend and the dread that consumes you daily. I’m sorry that you’re tired of smiling for people to make them think you’re okay. I’m sorry for the poison I fed you; with good intentions, to help you. It only hurt you and I didn’t know. I thought I was doing you a favor. I won’t do that again.

I’m sorry you feel like you don’t belong. You do, somewhere. We both know its not here. I’m sorry you feel like you don’t belong at home or at work or anywhere. You will find your niche but you need to stick around long enough to find it. You have come a long way, no doubt. You’ll pull through but you’ve got to want it.

I’m sorry you feel guilty for being you. I know you aren’t social. I know you’re a bit awkward in some situations. I know that you don’t like being this way. You are not a nuisance though. You are you for a reason.

Most of all, I’m sorry you can’t see your worth right now. Its weird, huh? We go through patches where we think we’re okay. We might even be good! But we aren’t right now, are we? If we stick around we might be okay forever. Its worth it somehow. I’ve heard, anyway.

Please remember that even if no one does care about you, I am always here. I am your best friend.

Why?

Because I am you.

Love,

Leah

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