Self-Reflection from the Girl Going Nowhere

Three years ago, I had no idea if I had any purpose in life other than work at a job I hated so I could maybe afford to live on my own some day. I would find a guy I-guess-I-loved and he would treat me somewhat ok and life would be mediocre and I would die with little to offer the world.

I thought.

I often let my depression and low self-esteem suffocate my thoughts and ambitions. I told myself many times, “You are not meant for this world. You are not like the others.”

I was only half right.

Today I am sitting in building twelve of my community college campus. I just picked up my cap and gown from the bookstore. I graduate in a little more than four weeks.

In four months I move three hours away. A new territory, a place where no one knows my name. No one knows my story. A refreshing chance to recreate myself into someone I know I cannot be in Luzerne County.

Throughout my two years at LCCC, I relied heavily on support from my friends and family to make it through. All that know me knows I struggle immensely with mental illness. I go back and forth owning it and condemning it. The lowest part of my journey was sobbing to my mom like a child after we both knew I needed help.

“I am trying really hard,” I managed through spit and tears and a cracked voice.

“I know you are, honey,” She said.

“I know you are.”

That stuck with me a little, because I really was trying. Were people noticing? I was working, waking up and going to school. I was doing my best not to sleep my life away like I always had. Most of all, though, I was doing my best to stay alive. I weave my way through periods where I want to die so badly and times where I want nothing more than to live a normal, productive life.

These past few months I have taken cocktails of medications, big pharma’s field day. Hundreds of dollars of medications to help my brain, help me sleep, help this, help that.

Except its not helping anything. I was (and still am) only getting worse. In theory, a pill seems great to take the pain away. So many of us can’t live without them. Can I live without them?

April 27th I went to work after sleeping only 2 hours. I was met with sleep paralysis’ open arms, over and over the night before. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t yell. I could only pray to a god I am not loyal to to please make this go away. I spent the entirety of my work day feeling other-worldly and confused, breaking out in cry after cry, feeling like a fool that I let myself get as bad as I did and allowing others to see me in that dim light.

Let’s be honest– I have the world ahead of me. I refuse to accept anything less. I have been through more at twenty-one than most people experience in forty years.

I can rely on only myself to make the most of the life lying ahead of me. Single. I am capable of figuring things out on my own.

I’m going to have a hell of a time getting off of the medications I was prescribed. I am going to have an even harder time transitioning into a life I know nothing about.

I was just as scared three years ago.

Look how far I’ve come.

The world needs me, and I need you.

We are meant for this life. 

 

 

 

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Unapologetic Growth

We never realize when we are growing because we’re usually too busy living our lives to notice.

Growth.

Its something we all do, in different phases, for different reasons. Usually the most heart-wrenching experiences leave us with the most water to let us bloom in ways we didn’t realize were possible. Death, divorce, job loss, an accident– the tragedies that debilitate us the most in the beginning leave us the wisest in the end.

I was a weak individual for awhile. I didn’t want to grow. Set in my ways, I was okay with that for a long time.

And then while I was out living my life, experiencing the daily, I grew. Unexpectedly, and now unapologetically; I became a different person. I am not who I was one year ago or even six months ago.

When we are comfortable we don’t accept the idea that things may change. We are numb to the notion that life can get worse or better or really, unbelievably good. Maybe unbelievably bad. We just don’t know.

We aren’t supposed to.

As humans, we are given a finite amount of time on this Earth. We are either lucky and live well into our 80’s, or we are led down different paths and are taken to our creator sooner as opposed to later. (If you believe in that, of course. Maybe we just become a ball of energy extended into the threshold. Maybe we go to heaven, or hell. Maybe nothing happens.)

It’s silly to stunt our growth in fear of what we could lose. It’s always loss we fear. We never imagine the opportunity we could gain. Humans are so silly.

Don’t hinder your growth. Water yourself, feed yourself the nutrients needed to make a gorgeous you. Weed out the bad and keep the good.

Expect that things can happen, and let them.

Keep growing,

 

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