I wanted to kill myself tonight

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

In the swarm of work and home and class and work and home and class, the emptiness shrouded within me, encasing myself in a black cloud.

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

Between the medication changes, the weight gain, the “I could sleep forever, I can’t sleep, why can’t I sleep?,” the indecisiveness, I am not the same. I am weaker.

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

At work a lady said to me, “you should smile more,” and I thought about that; really thought about that, because I don’t feel like smiling sometimes but they say just smiling makes you happier. I tried it, but the next customer didn’t notice. She just yelled at me and left.

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

When I realized I have the world in front of me, and some people don’t have that chance. A chance. The chance to really live, and breathe and feel something. I can’t bare to get out of bed some mornings but I long for a life without dread, without medications and with much more sense. Lots of sense. Does this article make sense?

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

Last week I felt great. My life always tilts, forward and back and forward and back. I feel great one day and I think life is wonderful and I’m cured. I’m cured! But then I tilt, and life’s not so great anymore. I tilt. I always tilt.

I wanted to kill myself tonight.

But not really. I didn’t really want to kill myself. I just want to kill the parts I don’t like and plant great, beautiful things in replace of what lay earlier.

Life isn’t always that simple.

Maybe one day it will be.

If you or someone you know and love shows signs of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. please do not be afraid to reach out for professional help. The very best people are always the ones given the biggest struggle. We all need help sometimes. You are loved.



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