I have been in a relationship for a majority of my teen/young adult years. Rarely did I not have a boyfriend, a fling, or some sort of companionship.
I don’t know why. I guess I always felt compelled to have someone by my side, even for just a little while. It’s not that I didn’t care for these men– trust me, I did and still do, for the most part. The problem lies deeper than a simple relationship.
I’m lonely. Truly. I don’t know why I need constant validation from a man, but if I’m being honest with myself, that’s what it boils down to. I’m not aware of my own worth. I need the attention of a male to fill the void. I don’t know why that is. Maybe growing up without a dad in my life created a larger problem than just grief. It’s difficult to type the words “daddy issues” without cringing, but the sooner I come to grips with the truth, the better I’ll become.
It’s embarrassing, to say the least, that I find it hard to function on my own. I know at the end of the day, I am the only person I need. I am my own best friend, supporter, motivator. I can do anything I damn well please, completely by myself. Single. I also know that one day I’ll be okay, and when I say it, I’ll mean it.
I made a promise to myself to become a better Leah. To work harder, clear my mind more often, get up earlier, and sleep less. I promised Leah that I wouldn’t tack the blame on others for the problems I created. I promised Leah that I would be great, and I can’t let her down again. I’ve done that too many times.
I’ve made the mistake of letting a man– or many men, for that matter, define my worth. I’ve let them take power over how I view myself, all these years, when I should have been building myself up from scratch.
It’s all my fault.
I’ll be better next time, Leah.