trapped 7.7.17

For a majority of my life, I have felt trapped. I have good days and I have bad days, but both lead back to an indescribable feeling of smallness, insecurity, and worry. Compared to others, I have felt minuscule and silly. It’s something that has plagued me for a couple of years.

Even now, I still feel trapped. Trapped in my own mind, trapped in my location, trapped financially and professionally. I work really hard, but not much to show for it.

I know I’m young and I have plenty of time ahead of me to worry, but that idea alone won’t stop me from stressing about my career and moving out and living my own life. I always felt different from most people my age, and I’ve always hated it. There’s very few people I can be my true self around, but I’m grateful for those people. 

I want so badly to move into my own small apartment, and own a small piece of freedom with it. I want so badly to have a career in my field. I want so badly to make more than $9.50 an hour. I want to get out of the debt I’m in. I want to live comfortably. I want to have a sustainable savings, a happy life, good social relationships. I want, I want, I want.

Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll get there someday, but that day is hard to imagine. It’s difficult to dream of days I don’t have to worry about where gas or phone money is coming from. I think money is the one thing that really holds me back, but I guess I’m not alone. I just feel alone. 

I do my best to work as hard as I can, and I’ll continue to do so. I don’t have much to show for it, but maybe one day I will. Maybe one day won’t be so hard.

I want to thoroughly enjoy my youth, and going out with my friends and having fun. But I can’t have both comfortability and a good time. I have to choose. 

It’s easy for me to think I’ll never escape this feeling. But 14, 16, and 18 year old me thought the same thing about different feelings. I overcame them, with difficulty, many times before. What makes this so different? Why must I feel the need to change things overnight?

I’m in a rush. My mind races and my anxiety kicks in. My prescription doesn’t help. The only thing that helps is sleeping, which I don’t really get enough of. It’s dramatic and disgusting, but I think things like “what if I die tomorrow? What if I lose my job? What if, what if, what if?”

It’s like my mind jumps from bad to worse automatically. No rational thought, just the deplorable.

Maybe one day things won’t seem so heavy. 

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