I like to think that at some point in everyone’s life, they experience a feeling of void. Maybe I think this way to feel better about my own life, which is very possible. It seems as though it makes no difference how hard I try or how much effort I put into something, it is never quite enough. Surely I can’t be the only one who feels this way, right?
It’s hard to accept my life for what it is, although I should always be grateful. It’s discouraging to see young adults my age able to travel the world, buy brand new cars, and live out on their own and knowing I simply cannot do the same right now. I work very hard full time and have nothing to show for it like these individuals do. I’m not sure if my feelings are justifiable at this point.
I’m proud of myself, I really am. I have a job I work very hard at, I will be attending community college full time in the fall, I buy everything I need for myself and pay my bills on time each month, and I never ask for a dime from my parents. Yet somehow it seems I have nothing but exhaustion and disappointment to show for it.
Another part of me feels very wrong for how I feel because I know that I will get to where I want to be someday. I know comparing myself to others is wrong. I know that everyone has different paths they must take in life, and that those paths will differ. I know that the life experience I have will get me much farther than others in the long run. Somehow, though, I just can’t shake the feeling.
Perhaps I need to accept my fate, or change it, if I can figure out how to do that. I refuse to wake up each morning and feel disappointed at where I am heading in life. The first step is realizing that I am not myself lately, which I have recognized. The hardest step is figuring out how to handle and positively change this aspect of my life. I have a path meant for me, I just hope it’s not the same path I am on right now.
One day I hope I have a paycheck that shows how hard I have worked. I am eager to travel and experience a world outside of NEPA, and hopefully learn a few things along the way. I know in my heart I cannot end up “settling” for my future like most do and instead create a future that I desperately want and need.
If anyone figures out how life works, please let me know. We could all use a little help.