Seven Years

They say that time heals all wounds but the more I ponder that, the less I believe it. It seems to me as though the more time that passes, the harder it gets to become healed. I think that true devastation will forever take a toll on your being.

As of July 30th, 2016, it will be seven years that my father took his own life in the basement of my childhood home. It seems awfully redundant to constantly write about someone who is no longer here, but the void of this loss doesn’t go away either, so I suppose writing about it doesn’t hurt. I remember most things about him, from the black pocket T-shirts he wore every day and the Basic brand cigarettes he smoked. I remember his goofy personality, and how it would sometimes turn very dark. I even remember the Robert Plant CD’s he played back to back every time I was with him.  Most importantly, though, I remember that he loved me and I certainly loved him. 

The loss of a parent at such a young age has effected my life in so many different ways. The constant anxiety, the need to always get in an “I love you” to everyone I care about before a departure, always wanting to be secure. It’s the reminder that I only have one parent left. It’s knowing that my dad will never have a chance to walk me down the aisle or watch me graduate from college. It’s the “what ifs” or “I wish I would’ves.” Those deep thoughts are something I carry with me and will continue to carry with me for years to come.

Out of everything I wish I could experience again, it is the sound of my father’s voice. A person doesn’t truly understand how comforting a voice can be until you never hear it again. I wish I could have done things differently, but I was only twelve at the time. There is not much a twelve year old could have done to save her dying father. It was not until later that I realized he had been dead emotionally way before his physical death. 

Suicide is an exceptionally selfish way to die, though I understand why it is done. Seven years has passed and I still feel the emptiness each and every day. No one is able to understand self inflicted loss until they experience it themselves- and I hope that they never do. They say that everything happens for a reason, and I like to think my father’s death has been a learning experience not only for me but for those who read my articles. 

I love my dad and I hope that he has found the peace and understanding he had wanted for so long, but could not achieve. I would hope that if he could go back in time, he would have changed his mind after seeing how this has effected my family. Seven years is a long time to be without someone you love.

Please don’t ever take your family or friends for granted. Life is too short to not be clear about our feelings. 

Each and every one of us is worthy of a healthy and happy life. I hope you have found yours. 

Leah Koneski

Embrace the Unknown

A great part of my existence has revolved around needing a plan, whether it involved big plans for my future or a small plan for the day. If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that worrying has gotten me nowhere. 

As much as I have tried to plan out my life, it simply hasn’t worked out the way I imagined it. That’s okay. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, regardless of the situation.

A year ago I had plans to live in New York and attend school there. I was so excited to get out of my small, lifeless hometown and finally embrace a bigger city and meet new people who had no idea who I was. I was 100% able to do this, and I chose not to. For several different reasons, I chose to stay home. I absolutely do not regret it.

It was what I wanted at the time, but not what I needed. By living at home and attending community college here, I’m saving thousands of dollars. Of course life at home isn’t exciting, but I’m happy that it turned out this way. I’m still able to get a quality education, see my family, and met someone who has made my life a million times better than I could have imagined. 

I have invested so much time worrying and fussing over things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve been missing out on living my life fully because of a clouded mind. The time to end that habit is now.

One year from now none of what I’m worried about will make a difference. Worrying only takes up precious space that could be used for motivation, ambition, and determination. It may sound silly, but it’s a truth that cannot be denied. 

The unknown is a scary thing but it cannot be avoided. Embrace the things in life you cannot change and surround yourself in the positivity you are able to create instead.

Good luck. 

Never Being Enough

I like to think that at some point in everyone’s life, they experience a feeling of void. Maybe I think this way to feel better about my own life, which is very possible. It seems as though it makes no difference how hard I try or how much effort I put into something, it is never quite enough. Surely I can’t be the only one who feels this way, right?

It’s hard to accept my life for what it is, although I should always be grateful. It’s discouraging to see young adults my age able to travel the world, buy brand new cars, and live out on their own and knowing I simply cannot do the same right now. I work very hard full time and have nothing to show for it like these individuals do. I’m not sure if my feelings are justifiable at this point.

I’m proud of myself, I really am. I have a job I work very hard at, I will be attending community college full time in the fall, I buy everything I need for myself and pay my bills on time each month, and I never ask for a dime from my parents. Yet somehow it seems I have nothing but exhaustion and disappointment to show for it.

Another part of me feels very wrong for how I feel because I know that I will get to where I want to be someday. I know comparing myself to others is wrong. I know that everyone has different paths they must take in life, and that those paths will differ. I know that the life experience I have will get me much farther than others in the long run. Somehow, though, I just can’t shake the feeling.

Perhaps  I need to accept my fate, or change it, if I can figure out how to do that. I refuse to wake up each morning and feel disappointed at where I am heading in life. The first step is realizing that I am not myself lately, which I have recognized. The hardest step is figuring out how to handle and positively change this aspect of my life. I have a path meant for me, I just hope it’s not the same path I am on right now.

One day I hope I have a paycheck that shows how hard I have worked. I am eager to travel and experience a world outside of NEPA, and hopefully learn a few things along the way. I know in my heart I cannot end up “settling” for my future like most do and instead create a future that I desperately want and need.

If anyone figures out how life works, please let me know. We could all use a little help.

 

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