We’ve come a long way. You crept in shortly after dad died, taking away every ounce of hope I had left. Every day seemed like a struggle I did not want to fight. Every morning was a battle to get out of bed, get dressed, and live my life. It was almost as though I was just a shell of my former self, and you did the talking for me. For as truly agonizing as you were, I am glad you came for a ride with me. You taught me a lot about myself, and for that, I am thankful.
I remember the first time I was prescribed medication for you. I was so angry at myself, I thought it was my fault. If I could just be happy, I wouldn’t need to swallow pills daily. But, it didn’t work like that. I couldn’t just be happy. Inside, I was crippling. I knew if I didn’t shove medication down my throat, I wouldn’t last much longer. Zoloft turned into Busparone, and Trazodone, and eventually Prozac. It all seemed ridiculous, and I hated myself for having to rely on a pill to maintain stable. It was necessary but not at all fun.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, I did. I did it well. Every time I thought I had enough, I took one more step. Each step led to a new accomplishment. Every day I didn’t want to live, I did, and I am so proud of myself. I could have easily taken my life like my father did, but there was no way I was taking the easy way out. I was no fool. The feeling of actually living and not JUST existing is so amazing. It was like after all these years I was finally able to breathe clearly, and the fresh air changed me. I wouldn’t wish the darkness of you on my worst enemy.
I will never forget how you made me feel. The emptiness is something that I will never forget. You made me feel like I had no purpose, no reason, and worst of all no chance. I contemplated all of these years what my purpose is in life. I couldn’t quite figure it out until just recently. Every time I write an article about something that I’ve learned or the tragedy that I’ve faced, I’m reaching out to someone. If I could just help one person, then my work is complete. I couldn’t ask for a better purpose in life.
I am not cured. I have my days where I feel totally useless, but they’re just days. To those of you reading, I hope you don’t suffer from the darkness of depression. However, if you do, I want you to know everything will be okay. I know it’s the most cliche thing anyone could say, but it is true. If you haven’t gotten help yet, please do so. Change your life around before it’s too late. I wish my dad would have done the same.
To those who are suffering: Stay strong. You are loved.
Depression, I thank you for making me stronger but I do not want you back into my life in full swing. College already makes me lose sleep, I don’t need you lurking around.